


is remontada a sauce?

by andyanthea



Category: Men's Football RPF
Genre: Champions League 2019, Crack, Group chat, Liverpool F.C., M/M, kloppo is here in spirit, set post-barca
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-04
Updated: 2019-08-31
Packaged: 2020-04-07 21:21:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,562
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19093366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/andyanthea/pseuds/andyanthea
Summary: After the Champions League, secrets were opened, teas are spilled, and everything goes upside down in the Liverpool F.C. group chat.Or, turns out all Liverpool players share one brain cell whose only command is'don't stop make it klopp'.26/8/2019 UPDATE: unfortunately the intended transition to drama and prose format didn't work as well as I thought, so I've decided to delete and rewrite this Chapter 4. This fic will stay in its original chat format. The original Chapter 4 will be moved to its full-on prose spinoff - coming soon.





	1. please don't give me slytherin

**Author's Note:**

> Yep, this is pure crack. Nothing in this fic is real except my affection for these dumbasses.

**_don't stop make it klopp (25)_ **

 

_Fabinho invited Philippe Coutinho to 'don't stop make it klopp'_

 

_Philippe Coutinho joined the group_

 

_Roberto Firmino removed Philippe Coutinho from the group_

 

 **Mo Salah:** he hasn't even said anything, how could you

 

 **Dejan Lovren:** the only thing that needs to be said is why the fuck did fabi invite phil

 

 **Fabinho:** he said he wanted to congratulate us for getting into the finals???

 

 **Roberto Firmino:** wtf would he need to say it in OUR group chat when he's not part of US anymore

 

 **Alisson Becker:** leave it guys bobby is still heartbroken

 

 **Roberto Firmino:** NO I AM NOT

 

 **Roberto Firmino:** MY TEETH AND I ARE SHINING SHIMMERING SPLENDID

 

 **Alisson Becker:** tell me princess now when did you last let your heart decide

 

 **Alisson Becker:** nice try derailing me bobby but nah

 

 **Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain:** A WHOLE NEW WOOOOORLD

 

 **Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain:** are we still doing disney karaokes

 

 **Alisson Becker:** no

 

 **Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain:** no???

 

 **Fabinho:** you told me to move to england but you don't even tell me your love story?! am i even a friend to u roberto

 

 **Roberto Firmino:** phil told me to go to england first but did he even tell me he wanted to break up???

 

 **Roberto Firmino:** now who's the bigger asshole. certainly not me

 

 **Alisson Becker:** ffs either you guys talk to each other or just remove his number. better than stealing songs off my spotify account

 

 **Roberto Firmino** : in everyone's defence you're the only one with spotify premium

 

 **Dejan Lovren:** wtf bobby your teeth cost 6k but you won't even pay 5/month for spotify

 

**Roberto Firmino:**

****

**Virgil van Dijk:** @Mo Salah pls keep ur bf on a leash

 

 **Mo Salah:** dej is not?? my boyfriend???

 

 **Dejan Lovren:** ok WOW i'm hurt

 

 **Fabinho:** and YOU don't even bother updating me about this drama?? w0w some amigo you are @Alisson Becker

 

 **Alisson Becker:** fabi, mi amigo

 

 **Alisson Becker:** do you really think we would subject you to t  h a t  much emotional baggage when you have just arrived in anfield

 

 **Alisson Becker:** there is a reason why andy tells you about all the gays around here except for the phil saga

 

 **Roberto Firmino:** yeah because phil's a snake

 

 **Alisson Becker:** interrupt me again and you're not getting any goals past me tomorrow

 

 **Mo Salah:** wait andy gave fabi a gay tour of anfield???

 

 **Andy Robertson:** precautions mate

 

 **Mo Salah:** what did you tell him about me

 

 **Dejan Lovren:** oh NOW you're replying

 

 **Mo Salah:** shut up dej not everything in my life is about you

 

 **Virgil van Dijk:** now now mo it's not wise to offend dejan the fundamental gay

 

 **Jordan Henderson:** exCUSE me how can you be talking about fundamental gays and not include your own captain

 

 **Alberto Moreno:** we had a gayer captain than you hendo

 

 **Trent Alexander-Arnold:** OUR GAY LORD AND SAVIOR STEVEN GERRARD

 

 **Jordan Henderson:** trent go to sleep it's 11

 

 **Trent Alexander-Arnold:** fuck off hendo i'm not a child!!!

 

 **Adam Lallana:** don't speak like that to your dad trent

 

 **Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain:** why are the gays popping out

 

 **Alex-Oxlade Chamberlain:** well pride month IS coming but ain’t this too early lads

 

 **Jordan Henderson:** I'm just here to make sure the minors are asleep

 

 **Trent Alexander-Arnold:** I'M NOT A MINOR

 

 **Adam Lallana:** then why are you replying

 

 **Virgil van Dijk:** can you guys turn it down you're waking joe

 

 **Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain:** why are there so many minors in this team

 

 **Trent Alexander-Arnold:**???? did you just go pot and kettle with that

 

 **Fabinho:** um guys can anyone educate me about wtf happened with phil and bobby

 

 **Andy Robertson:** ✧・ﾟ:* ~THE BRAZILIAN SAGA~ *:･ﾟ☆✧

 

 **Andy Robertson:** with sparkles!!!!

 

 **Virgil van Dijk:** If you weren't smaller than my hand I would have slapped you for that

 

 **Trent Alexander-Arnold:** VVD IS SHOWING AFFECTION I REPEAT BIG VIRG IS SHOWING AFFECTION

 

**Trent Alexander-Arnold:**

 

 **Virgil van Dijk:** does shoving you into the nearest wall count as affection

 

 **Jordan Henderson:** HOLD IT RIGHT THERE WHO GAVE YOU THE RIGHT

 

 **Adam Lallana:** stop it hendo you're scaring him

 

 **Virgil van Dijk:** i'm more scared for trent tbh, having parents like you both

 

 **Trent Alexander-Arnold:** i'm not a kid ffs i'm older than the ajax babies

 

 **Virgil van Dijk:** why are you not questioning the fundamental part of the accusation

 

 **Fabinho:** can we go back to bobby and phil

 

 **Roberto Firmino:** get your ass to the national team first

 

 **Fabinho:** LOW BLOW ROBERTO

 

 **Jordan Henderson:** you are all degenerates

 

 **Jordan Henderson:** alright fabi you ready mate

 

**Jordan Henderson:**

 

 **Jordan Henderson:** I’m sure the portuguese original is much more riveting and emotional but

 

 **Jordan Henderson:** phil invited bobby to liverpool, bobby joined and they were ~best friends~ until they were suddenly more than friends a.k.a bobby realized he’s gay for the little magician

 

 **Jordan Henderson:** so they dated, everything went well, our forward line is flourishing and our stands are filled yet our trophy cabinet is still languishing but ANYWAY-

 

 **Jordan Henderson:** things started falling apart when phil was struck with some “””great sadness””” and he got some back problems that bobby couldn’t get some ha ha ha (not sorry)

 

 **Jordan Henderson:** and boom abarcadabra, phil disappeared to barcelona

 

 **Jordan Henderson:** of course bobby wasn’t happy

 

 **Jordan Henderson:** phil never officially broke off the relationship so it did get awkward during matches

 

 **Jordan Henderson:** and bobby started stealing people’s spotify accounts to play breakup songs in the dressing room

 

 **Jordan Henderson:** end of story

 

 **Adam Lallana:** hendo, honey

 

 **Adam Lallana:** you know you’re included in the degenerates you called out right

 

 **Jordan Henderson:** adam, baby

 

 **Jordan Henderson:** it’s part of my captainly responsibilities to describe the tragic love story of roberto and philippe as objective as I can

 

 **Adam Lallana:** I suggest you reread your writing and rethink your definition of ‘objective’

 

 **Fabinho:** wow...okay

 

 **Fabinho:** that was an out of body experience

 

 **Fabinho:** this totally elevated the spiritual significance of our 4-0 comeback

 

 **Alisson Becker:** annex 1: bobby somehow exclusively stole from MY spotify premium now. rude

 

 **Virgil van Dijk:** your spotify is shit anyway I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU DON’T HAVE DISNEY

 

 **Alisson Becker:** wow for a brick wall you do have some degree of tenderness

 

 **Virgil van Dijk:** being teammates with the human embodiment of sugar spice and everything nice does that to you

 

 **Joe Gomez:** @Gini Wijnaldum

 

 **Virgil van Dijk:** REALLY NOW

 

 **Virgil van Dijk:** IS THAT SERIOUSLY YOUR ONLY VALUABLE CONTRIBUTION JOE

 

 **Andy Robertson:** are we witnessing the second coming of softie van dijk™

 

 **Trent Alexander-Arnold:** is it spam o’clock???

 

 **Trent Alexander-Arnold:** de de de de de de

 

 **Trent Alexander-Arnold:** DROP IT

 

**Joe Gomez:**

****

  
**Roberto Firmino:** don’t worry virgil i support my teammates’ route to happiness

 

 **Virgil van Dijk:** interrupt me again and you're not getting any goals past me tomorrow

 

 **Alisson Becker:** did you just. copy my response.

 

 **Alisson Becker:** virgil.

 

 **Virgil van Dijk:** ha what are you going to do about it

 

**Alisson Becker:**

****

 

 **Virgil van Dijk:** FOR THE LOVE OF

 

 **Alisson Becker:** you asked for it you brick

 

 **Daniel Sturridge:** hendo, capt, can we just tie them inside the van

 

 **Jordan Henderson:** wouldn’t be as fun

 

 **Gini Wijnaldum:** Hi guys! Why are there so many notifications omg

 

 **Virgil van Dijk:** brb kms

 

 **Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain:** no


	2. "where are the drinks" (klopp, 2019)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Day after the parade. Apparently the combination of adrenaline, free flow beer, all things red, and divorce threats makes for some questionable photo spam in the group chat.

_**don't stop make it klopp (25)** _

 

**Daniel Sturridge:**

****

 

 **Daniel Sturridge** : international soccer superstar, roberto firmino

**Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain:** ASDFGHJKLFIEMGOFR BOBBY THE FASHION ICON

**Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain:** since when elton john did a collab with hot cheetos

**Virgil van Dijk:** my god those earrings can ward off vampires

**Trent Alexander-Arnold:** well they warded off PSG

**Trent Alexander-Arnold:** and barcelona

**Trent Alexander Arnold:** especially barcelona

**Daniel Sturridge:**

****

 

 **Daniel Sturridge:** whoops lemme just casually kick off barca's dignity

 

 **Sadio Mane:** if they had bobby’s glasses they would be able to see the corner

**Sadio Mane:** should we tell barca

**Trent Alexander-Arnold:** magicians do not share their tricks

 

 **Trent Alexander-Arnold:** also @ those glasses: ew

**Divock Origi:** lads

**Divock Origi:**

****

**Naby Keita:** self-aware divock is my favorite divock

**Sadio Mane:** not before goalscoring legend big game divock

**Sadio Mane:** i’d sacrifice my chance of getting ballon d’or just to see him humiliate barca again

**Mo Salah:** i have a lot of rude words in my head but it’s still ramadan so no

**Sadio Mane:** can’t you let me have the spotlight for a while

**Sadio Mane:** oh wait i can just upstage you in the social media department

**Sadio Mane:**

****

 

 **Naby Keita:** of all the things you could do with a laptop in hand, sadio

 

 **Divock Origi:** wow thanks sadio i am humbled

 

 **Sadio Mane:** is he thanking me or is he sulking at me

 

 **Daniel Sturridge:** he’s definitely thanking you, you coconut

 

 **Daniel Sturridge:** i don’t blame you tho, being in this group chat for too long makes us question every vaguely passive aggressive maneuver ever

 

 **Mo Salah:** ha ha wow :)

 

 **Sadio Mane:** exhibit A.

 

 **Sadio Mane:** go snog with dejan or something

 

 **Mo Salah:** he’s not my bf?? and i can’t find him in his room where did he go

 

 **Daniel Sturridge:** DID YOU JUST

 

**Daniel Sturridge:**

 

 **Daniel Sturridge:** did you just deny you’re dating dejan while admitting that you actually know enough about his daily routine that you know he’s supposed to be in his room at the time im-

 

**Dejan Lovren:**

****

 

 **Dejan Lovren:** good morning lads let us begin our day with some baptism

**Dejan Lovren:** and before any one of you dipshits report me to hendo for spamming, i already asked him for permission

**Joel Matip:** oh come on hendo is currently a bumbling drunken mess melting off in adam’s bedroom

**Joel Matip:** he’s barely fit for daily conversation, much less let you go off

**Dejan Lovren:** joel, brate, i rest my case

**Mo Salah:** oh so now he’s your brate eh

**Sadio Mane:** exhibit B.

**Daniel Sturridge:**

 

****

 

 **Daniel Sturridge:** please consider coming back to happier times

**Mo Salah:** no

**Dejan Lovren:** no??

 

**Fabinho:**

****

 

 **Fabinho:** deny your gayness after the day dej nearly mauled me for this photo, I dare you

 

 **Fabinho:** i'll have you pay for my entire life insurance

 

 **Roberto Firmino:** what the fuck is going on why is my face on the front page

**Dejan Lovren:** probably your teeth more than your face but ok

**Dejan Lovren:** anyway

**Naby Keita:** quick question

**Naby Keita:** where is everyone

 

 **Naby Keita:** virgil disappeared after one sentence, what gives

 

**Joel Matip:**

****

 

**Dejan Lovren:**

 

**Trent Alexander-Arnold:**

****

 

**Sadio Mane:**

****

 

**Mo Salah:**

 

 **Naby Keita:** wow you guys actually care more about finding reaction images than getting your teammates sober

 

 **Gini Wijnaldum:** Holy lord my phone still works

 

 **Gini Wijnaldum:** Guys help Virgil is wasted in my room and I can't wake him up

 

 **Trent Alexander-Arnold** : ****

 

 **Trent Alexander-Arnold** : ^that^ is the kind of help I'm offering

 

**Joe Gomez:**

 

 **Joe Gomez:** gini looking at the current state of affairs

 

 **Joe Gomez:** anyway guys i'm not gonna kid, the other guys are all hammered

 

 **Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain:** ALISSON IS STILL SO DRUNK HE NEARLY KILLED ME AND RHIAN WITH A BEAR HUG

 

**Xherdan Shaqiri:**

****

 

 **Xherdan Shaqiri:** friendly reminder that THAT is the madlad we deal with

 

 **Xherdan Shaqiri:** anyway I am proud to announce that I survived all the drunken assaults and alcohol-induced tears from you lots

 

**Xherdan Shaqiri:**

****

 

 **Dejan Lovren:** really tho I don't see anyone being able to assault you with your height ratio

 

**Dejan Lovren:**

 

 

 **Dejan Lovren:** this is how everyone sees you

 

 **Xherdan Shaqiri:** LISTEN HERE YOU DICKHEAD

 

 **Mo Salah:** goddamn it dej I spluttered my coffee

 

 **Joe Gomez:** I CAN DIE IN PEACE NOW

 

 **Trent Alexander-Arnold:** """"BIG SHAQ"""""

 

**Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain:**

****

 

 **Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain:** actual image of ali before he proceeds to choke me in a Brazilian bear hug

 

 **Trent Alexander-Arnold:** BRAZILIAN DADDY

 

 **Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain:** don't let hendo read that

 

 **Alisson Becker:** this group chat is making my headache worse

 

 **Trent Alexander-Arnold:** can I change my name to trent alexander-arnold becker now

 

 **Alisson Becker:** excuse me what the fuck

 

 **Xherdan Shaqiri:** guys

 

**Xherdan Shaqiri:**

****

 

 **Xherdan Shaqiri:** artistic depiction of virgil van drunk

 

 **Andy Robertson:** DSHLFGEFDGCXVDMNSF I JUST WOKE UP 

 

 **Andy Robertson:** another one in my virgil compendium

 

 **Joe Gomez:** the exhibit is still on in Gini's room

 

**Gini Wijnaldum:**

 

 **Gini Wijnaldum:** Either of you. Explain.

 

 **Gini Wijnaldum:** @Alisson Becker @Virgil van Dijk

 

**Trent Alexander-Arnold:**

 

 **Trent Alexander-Arnold:** IS THIS CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

 

 **Andy Robertson:** did gini just SNAP????

 

**Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain:**

****

 

 **Xherdan Shaqiri:** I live for this

 

**Daniel Sturridge:**

 

 **Alisson Becker:** why don't you ask him yourself when he's already sober

 

**Alisson Becker:**

 

**Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain:**

****

 

 **Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain:** _PLAYER 3 HAS JOINED THE GAME_

 

**Joe Gomez: THE PLOT THICKENS**

 

**Trent Alexander-Arnold:**

****

 

 **Trent Alexander-Arnold:** Gini getting ready to square up a bitch, 2019 colorized

 ****

**Sadio Mane:** this is so much better than mo and dej

 

**Dejan Lovren:**

****

 

 **Virgil van Dijk:** uh guys what the fuck just happened

 

**Roberto Firmino:**

 

 **Roberto Firmino:** that is you when gini whoops your ass

 

 **Virgil van Dijk:** OK WHAT THE F-

 

**Gini Wijnaldum:**

 

 **Alisson Becker:** virgil van dead

 

 **Andy Robertson:** I'M DYING

 

**Roberto Firmino:**

****

 

 **Roberto Firmino:** can we have that pic of us celebrating virgil's whooped ass as our new group chat pic

 

 **Daniel Sturridge:** let's just have virgil so we can commemorate the day gini murders him

 

 **Virgil van Dijk:** SERIOUSLY WHAT AM I HELD ON TRIAL FOR

 

**Gini Wijnaldum:**

 

 **Gini Wijnaldum:** I assume you know what happened?

 

 **Virgil van Dijk:** ok gini I CAN EXPLAIN-

 

 **Gini Wijnaldum:** Then explain.

 

**Andy Robertson:**

****

 

**Trent Alexander-Arnold:**

****

 

 **Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain:** and that, kids, is how I met my own death


	3. harry, did you put my house on fire?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The team hosts a farewell party for Studge and Albie. Lessons learned: never let Virgil near any form of alcohol, football players can't organize things in a civilized manner, and Monopoly is the board game equivalent to the big red button of mutual assured destruction.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all! I am floored with your appreciation towards this piece of crack - thank you so much for all your comments! This will be the last chapter for now, but if I get more material or ideas, I might add more chapters. Again, none of this is real, because if it does then Liverpool would be a much more chaotic place to be.

**_you’ll never party alone (20)_ **

_James Milner invited Jordan Henderson, Adam Lallana, Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain, Joe Gomez, Trent Alexander-Arnold, Andy Robertson, Roberto Firmino, Alisson Becker, Fabinho, Mo Salah, Dejan Lovren, Sadio Mane, Naby Keita, Virgil van Dijk, Gini Wijnaldum, Divock Origi, Rhian Brewster, Joel Matip, Xherdan Shaqiri to ‘you’ll never party alone’_

 

 **James Milner:** Cheers lads

 

 **James Milner:** As you may have heard from the club, our dearest friends Daniel and Alberto will be leaving after this month

 

 **James Milner:** Therefore, Jordan and I decided to gather up you guys to organize the farewell party 

 

 **James Milner:** We’ll send them off in team spirit 

 

 **Rhian Brewster:** smells like team spirit

 

 **Andy Robertson:** mate were you even born when nirvana was there

 

**Rhian Brewster:** _90s gEneRaTioN mAsTerRacE HuH_

 

 **Alisson Becker:** never have I ever seen such levels of incompetence in one place, but ok go on

 

 **James Milner:** Believe in your teammates as the gaffer has believed in us

 

 **Alisson Becker:** I can’t believe you turned my faith against me

 

 **Jordan Henderson:** what would I not do for that man

 

 **Jordan Henderson:** i’d follow him to manchester if I have to

 

**Adam Lallana:**

 

 **Jordan Henderson:** alright first of all

 

 **Jordan Henderson:** which one of you idiots can lend their place for the bash on saturday

 

 **Alisson Becker:** I would love to but my wife will be getting into labor in three days and she shouldn’t be exposed to stress

 

 **Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain:** does anyone else feel insulted by that

 

 **James Milner:** My place is available

 

 **Trent Alexander-Arnold:** are you really sure you would be willing to expose your pristine place to these degenerates

 

 **Joe Gomez:** _trent mate you’re one of us_

 

 **James Milner:** I will gladly take one for the team

 

 **Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain:** IS MILLY ROASTING ALL OF US

 

 **Jordan Henderson:** okay that’s the venue secured

 

 **Jordan Henderson:** what else would we need besides food

 

 **Virgil van Dijk:** drinks.

 

 **Virgil van Dijk:** DRINKS.

 

 **Virgil van Dijk:** _D R I N K S ._

 

 **Andy Robertson:** @Gini Wijnaldum virgil van drunk strikes again, execute restraining order

 

 **Roberto Firmino:** we’ll take care of the food department

 

 **Mo Salah:** someone should call the fire department then

 

 **Roberto Firmino:** _excuse you_

 

**Roberto Firmino:**

 

 **Fabinho:** yeah no worries we can whip up some churrasco

 

 **Fabinho:** does anyone have grillers we can use

 

 **Gini Wijnaldum:** I’ll bring mine!

 

 **Fabinho:** thank you sensible dutch man

 

 **Virgil van Dijk:** why do I feel insulted

 

 **Alisson Becker:** shut up virgil van dickhead

 

 **Virgil van Dijk:** that’s not what you said last night ;)

 

 **Gini Wijnaldum:** What did he said last night then.

 

**Trent Alexander-Arnold:**

****

 

**Joe Gomez:**

****

 

**Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain:**

****

**Adam Lallana:**

****

 

 **Adam Lallana:** that's virgil looking at the divorce papers

 

 **Xherdan Shaqiri:** aLRIGHT you pea brains let's continue

 

 **Xherdan Shaqiri:** we'll need some entertainment

 

 **Xherdan Shaqiri:** DVD and Netflix should do

 

 **Alisson Becker:** and karaoke

 

 **Alisson Becker:** i'll bring my guitar too

 

 **Mo Salah:** can we have board games

 

 **Sadio Mane:** that's like asking is murdering someone in a party legal

 

 **Mo Salah:** but board games are fun!!!!

 

 **Sadio Mane:** i'll just pretend I forgot the time we nearly set marbella on fire after monopoly

 

**Mo Salah: _that was one time_**

 

 

- _Thursday afternoon-_

 

 **Fabinho:** guys me bobby and ali are heading to Tesco to stock up for saturday

 

 **Fabinho:** who else wants to come

 

 **Trent Alexander-Arnold:** me!!!

 

 **Jordan Henderson:** @Fabinho @Roberto Firmino @Alisson Becker please make sure trent doesn't buy sweets

 

 **Trent Alexander-Arnold:** HENDO

 

 **Trent Alexander-Arnold:** IT'S OFF SEASON

 

 **Adam Lallana:** don't speak to your dad like that trent

 

 **James Milner:** Can you guys stock up on paper cups and paper plates? I'm out of them

 

 **Alisson Becker:** noted

 

 **Roberto Firmino:** @Gini Wijnaldum do you still have coal

 

 **Gini Wijnaldum:** Nopeit's out, could you get some?

 

 **Roberto Firmino:** ok we can do that

 

 **James Milner:** No need to get kitchen equipment, house's all stocked

 

 **Roberto Firmino:** do you guys want wine

 

 **Virgil van Dijk:** nah no need i'm heading to the liquor store rn

 

 **Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain:** WHO LET VIRGIL BUY THE DRINKS

 

**Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain:**

__

 

 **Rhian Brewster:** I'm bringing consoles, gather up the games

 

 **Rhian Brewster:** @James Milner can I park them at your place tomorrow?

 

 **James Milner:** Sure thing, no problem

 

 **Roberto Firmino:** FIFA DEATH MATCH WHO WANTS TO PLAY PSG

 

 **Fabinho:** BOBBY NO

 

 **Roberto Firmino:** BOBBY YES

 

 **Sadio Mane:** I have a bad feeling about this.

 

 

_-Friday afternoon-_

 

 **Rhian Brewster:** @James Milner I'm already at the front door

 

 **James Milner:** Doors unlocked, just come in

 

 **Rhian Brewster:** ox and I brought some consoles and lots of games

 

 **Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain:** WHO DECIDED HAVING GTA IN A PARTY IS A GOOD IDEA

 

 **Virgil van Dijk:** hey come on it's got the hot coffee mod installed

 

 **Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain:** VIRG NO THINK OF THE CHILDREN

 

 **Rhian Brewster:** why is there harvest moon

 

 **Joe Gomez:** someone has to provide civilized options

 

 **Rhian Brewster:** we got just dance!!!

 

 **Roberto Firmino:** **Y E S**

 

 **Trent Alexander-Arnold:** do you have Mario Kart

 

 **Sadio Mane:** that's like asking whether running over someone with your car is legal

 

 **Trent Alexander-Arnold:** sadio mate do you accept constructive criticism

 

 **Rhian Brewster:** apparently yes there's Mario Kart

 

**Trent Alexander-Arnold:**

 

 **Adam Lallana:** that's it trent you're not unleashing evil baby mode

 

 **Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain:** _THE  W H A T  NOW_

 

 **Naby Keita:** I swear, every time I think this team can't get any weirder, it just does

 

**Trent Alexander-Arnold:**

 

 **Trent Alexander-Arnold:** Welcome to Liverpool F.C., may I take your bags?

 

 **Jordan Henderson:** NO ONE IS PLAYING MARIO KART WE DO NOT WANT TO CALL THE POLICE

 

**Trent Alexander-Arnold:**

****

 

 **Trent Alexander-Arnold:** _it is over. it is done._

 

**Trent Alexander-Arnold:**

 

 **Adam Lallana:** and that, ladies and gentlemen, is evil baby mode level 1

 

 **Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain:** _how many levels are there_

 

**Jordan Henderson:**

 

 

 

_-Saturday afternoon-_

 

 **Xherdan Shaqiri:** who the fuck filled the DVD stack with romcoms

 

**Xherdan Shaqiri: DEJAN**

 

 **Dejan Lovren:** I HAVEN’T EVEN ARRIVED WHAT THE FUCK SHAQ

 

**Dejan Lovren:**

****

 

 **Xherdan Shaqiri:** you are literally the sappiest bitch in this team and mo refuses to convince everyone otherwise

**Mo Salah:** excuse me did someone say my name

**Xherdan Shaqiri:** no

**Mo Salah:** no??

 

 **Andy Robertson:** fear not lads I'm bringing all the action movies

 

 **Andy Robertson:** and horror movies too

 

**Alisson Becker:**

****

**Dejan Lovren:** @James Milner where can I park my car I got lots to unload

**James Milner:** Just park on the sidewalk in front of it

**Dejan Lovren:** brate i need help unloading all these equipment

 

 **Dejan Lovren:** MO'S ALREADY RAN OFF HE'S A LAZY BITCH

**Jordan Henderson:** on my way

**Jordan Henderson:** who asked dejan to bring dance dance revolution mats these are OLD

**Andy Robertson:** mate it’s the vintage charm

 

**Andy Robertson:**

****

 

 **Andy Robertson:** ANDI GOT BEER

 

 ****Virgil van Dijk:**** HOW MANY CRATES

 

**Andy Robertson:**

 

**Virgil van Dijk:**

****

 

 **Virgil van Dijk:** _y e s_

 

 **Jordan Henderson:** that's it virgil you're not allowed to unload the beer

 

**Virgil van Dijk:**

 

 **Gini Wijnaldum:** Virgil, babe

 

**Gini Wijnaldum:**

 

 **Gini Wijnaldum:** In the name of the moon, please shut the fuck up before I moon prism power your drunken demons out 

 

 **Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain:** YOU WATCH SAILOR MOON TOO???

 

 **Gini Wijnaldum:** Yes!!!

 

**Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain:**

****

 

 **Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain:** THAT IS YOU RIGHT NOW AND THAT IS ALSO ME RIGHT NOW

 

 **Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain:** i'm SO unpacking my anime DVD set

 

 **Rhian Brewster:** DO YOU HAVE CAPTAIN TSUBASA

 

**Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain: _Y E S_**

 

**Rhian Brewster:**

****

 

 **Xherdan Shaqiri:** subbed or dubbed

 

 **Xherdan Shaqiri:** if it's dubbed consider yourself banished

 

 **Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain:** how RUDE of course it's subbed!!! i'm a man of class

 

 **Gini Wijnaldum:** Guys can someone help me unload the sound system

 

 **Dejan Lovren:** HOLD IT RIGHT HERE what kind of sound system are you even bringing???

 

**Gini Wijnaldum:**

 

**Gini Wijnaldum: the best**

 

 **Sadio Mane:** if that's not an accurate depiction of tonight's party I don't know what is

 

**Divock Origi:**

****

 

 **Divock Origi:** I got the goods

 

**Trent Alexander-Arnold:**

****

 

 **Dejan Lovren:** OF ALL THE PEOPLE WHO CAN BRING CARDS AGAINST HUMANITY

 

 **Joel Matip:** ok that's it divock's getting a statue tomorrow

 

 **Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain:** THE MAN

 

 **Rhian Brewster:** THE MYTH

 

 **Joe Gomez:** THE LEGEND

 

**Jordan Henderson:**

****

 

 **Jordan Henderson:** that's us after the game

 

 **Jordan Henderson:** also @Trent Alexander-Arnold you're not allowed to play. it's 18+

 

 **Trent Alexander-Arnold:** FOR THE LOVE OF GOD I'M 21

 

 **Jordan Henderson:** YOU'RE STILL A CHILD TO ME

 

 **Adam Lallana:** and by 'a' child he means 'his' child but he doesn't want to relinquish his masculinity any further

 

 **Jordan Henderson:** adam, baby

 

 **Jordan Henderson:** you know he's yours too right

 

 **Adam Lallana:** I wasn't the one letting him buy five boxes of Maltesers in Tesco, thank you very much

 

 **Jordan Henderson:** I TOLD BOBBY TO TAKE CARE OF HIM

 

 **Roberto Firmino:** uh we tried strapping him to the car seat but he didn't fit

 

 **Jordan Henderson:** YOU COULD'VE JUST TIED HIM TO THE CEILING-

 

 **James Milner:** Lads, are there any other supplies arriving?

 

 **Dejan Lovren:** just need to unload the picnic tables and my car's all emptied

 

 **James Milner:** Ok mate I'll go fetch the tablecloths

 

 **Mo Salah:** BOARD GAME DELIVERY

 

 **Sadio Mane:** _MOHAMED NO_

 

 **Joel Matip:** wait what is he even bringing

 

 **Naby Keita:** uhhh he's got jenga, uno, poker cards, ludo, and monopoly

 

**Sadio Mane:**

 

 **Sadio Mane:** this is turning into a farewell party for world peace

 

 **Dejan Lovren:** peace was never an option

 

 **Alisson Becker:** guys does anyone else want to test the karaoke game

 

 **Xherdan Shaqiri:** WHY IS THERE SAMBA BLARING FROM THE TV ROOM

 

**Alisson Becker:**

****

 

 **Alisson Becker:** ok first of all

 

 **Roberto Firmino:** you have no taste

 

 **Xherdan Shaqiri:** _shut up elton hot cheetos_

 

 **Alisson Becker:** which one of you fuckers added nicki minaj to the karaoke songbook

 

**Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain:**

 

**Alisson Becker: please perish at your earliest convenience**

 

 **James Milner:** All good lads?

 

 **Sadio Mane:** I have a feeling we'll be having a blast for all the wrong reasons

 

 **Rhian Brewster:** the guests are coming!!!

 

**Adam Lallana:**

 

 **Roberto Firmino:** LET'S GET THIS PARTY STARTED

 

 **Virgil van Dijk:** IT'S TIME FOR BODY SHOTS

 

**Jordan Henderson: NO WAIT-**


	4. welcome to the jungle, we got lots of memes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's international break, it's the transfer window, it's the new kids on the block! Little do they know, they're in for one hell of a ride.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wahey! This is the rewritten chapter 4 - as mentioned, the original will be moved to a different story. This features some new kids, but of course the same old banter. Enjoy!

**_don't stop make it klopp (25)_ **

**Alex-Oxlade Chamberlain** : why are friendlies called friendlies

**Alex-Oxlade Chamberlain:** there is nothing friendly about friendlies

**Rhian Brewster:** it's literally called a friendly match bcos it's friendly????

**Alex-Oxlade Chamberlain:** THERE IS NOTHING FRIENDLY ABOUT FOOTBALL MATCHES OKAY

**Andy Robertson** : mate we get that you're all fidgety from finally getting to playing again, but for the love of klopp, calm down

**Alex-Oxlade Chamberlain:** this is just sugar rush

**Joe Gomez:** we're already back in training how the hell do you get sugar-

**James Milner:** WHO STOLE MY RIBENA

**Alex-Oxlade Chamberlain:**

****

 

**Virgil van Dijk:** ALEXANDER MARK DAVID OXLADE-CHAMBERLAIN WHERE DID MY COOKIES GO

**Alex-Oxlade Chamberlain:** finally, someone who cares enough to remember my full name

**Trent Alexander-Arnold:** finally, people with a clear conscience who doesn't blame me for every single thing that happens in this club

**Jordan Henderson:** TRENT JOHN ALEXANDER-ARNOLD WHY ARE THERE COOKIES IN YOUR LOCKER 

**Trent Alexander-Arnold:** the earth is getting hotter and now cookies are walking on their own? weird

**Adam Lallana:** do you seriously want me to show virg and milly the security footage

**Alex-Oxlade Chamberlain:** oh good does this mean we're back to blaming trent

**Adam Lallana:** no

**Alex-Oxlade Chamberlain:** no???

**James Milner** : Complicity will be charged, Ox.

**Alex-Oxlade Chamberlain:** OI I DID NOTHING

**Divock Origi:** yeah i saw trent and ox reenacting the holy communion with cookies, ribena, and that new dutch kid as human sacrifice

**Trent Alexander-Arnold:** I gave you that corner and this is how you treat me?? @Divock Origi

**Trent Alexander-Arnold:** >:(

**Sadio Mane:** oi, put some respect on the goat's name @Trent Alexander-Arnold

**Alex-Oxlade Chamberlain:** where's my lawyer???? @Rhian Brewster

**Rhian Brewster:** bro i love you but don't drag me into this

**Jordan Henderson:** HOLD IT RIGHT THERE WHERE ARE YOU HOLDING SEPP

**Trent Alexander-Arnold:** who the hell is sepp

**Trent Alexander-Arnold:** we have a new signing???

**Adam Lallana:** jordan, honey

**Adam Lallana** : they roped the other dutch kid

**Adam Lallana:** from the youth team

**Virgil van Dijk:** WHERE ARE YOU HOLDING KI-JANA

**Ki-Jana Hoever:** hi virgil don't worry I'm fine!

**Virgil van Dijk:** MY SON

**Dejan Lovren:** i get that international break is long but wtf is everyone having babies

**Virgil van Dijk:** that's big coming from someone as constipated as you @Dejan Lovren

**Gini Wijnaldum:** Don't worry honey, Ki-Jana's with me now

**Virgil van Dijk:** where did you find him??? @Gini Wijnaldum

**Xherdan Shaqiri:** kid was being a hanging dutchman on top of melwood

**Dejan Lovren:** speaking in metaphors don't make you big

**Xherdan Shaqiri:** oh so you know what a metaphor is? what a character development

**Mo Salah:** wait so the thing hanging from the melwood rooftop is a kid???

**Mo Salah:** oh my god i'm so sorry i nearly punched you!! i thought the boss bought new punching bags!!!

**Ki-Jana Hoever:** oh no don't be, it would be an honor to be punched by the egyptian king

**Virgil van Dijk:** touch my son and I will fucking tackle you @Mo Salah

**Dejan Lovren:**

****

**James Milner:** Anyway, @Trent Alexander-Arnold's burglary aside, we do have a new signing

_James Milner added Sepp van den Berg._

**James Milner** : Lads, meet Sepp.

**Sepp van den Berg** : oh wow! i'm in the first team chat!!!

**Sepp van den Berg** : hi everyone, i'm sepp! 

**Jordan Henderson:** welcome to Liverpool, Sepp

**Gini Wijnaldum:** Welkom bij het team! @Sepp van den Berg

**Mo Salah:** Hi kid!

**Joe Gomez:** nice to meet you

**Joe Gomez:** also please do not interact with any of these two guys @Trent Alexander-Arnold @Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain

**Trent Alexander-Arnold:** would you like a short tour of the abomination that is called liverpool f.c.?

**Jordan Henderson:** _TRENT NO_

**Trent Alexander-Arnold:** _d r o p  i t_

**Alex-Oxlade Chamberlain:**

**Trent Alexander-Arnold:**

**** ~~~~

**Andy Robertson:**

****

**Sadio Mane:**

****

**Rhian Brewster:**

****

  **Mo Salah:**

**Xherdan Shaqiri:**

**** ****

**Dejan Lovren:**

****

**Fabinho:**

****

**Roberto Firmino:**

****

**Alisson Becker:**

****

**Virgil van Dijk:**

****

**Joe Gomez:**

****

**Trent Alexander-Arnold:** enjoy your stay!

**Jordan Henderson:** i'm never letting any of you near the new kids again.


End file.
